Why changemakers make people uncomfortable
You make people uncomfortable.
Yep. I said it 👀 Now let me explain.
Every course student, mentoring client, podcast guest, book club author, Me and White Supremacy reader, speaking event participant, and changemaker friend I’ve ever spoken with has the same thing in common:
They are willing to do what makes them feel uncomfortable for the sake of being in integrity with the social justice values they hold.
And because you’re reading this email, I know that includes you too :)
My friend, you make people uncomfortable.
Not because of who you are. Or what you look like.
But because of what you do. And what you stand for.
🔥You’re a changemaker.
You stand for truth-telling, justice, and liberation. High ideals that most people aspire to… but also hesitate to put into meaningful action. You, on the other hand, run towards them. You’re not scared of change because you’ve dedicated your life to creating it.
You probably don’t wake up each morning and ask yourself, “How can I make people uncomfortable today? 😈”
But I bet you ask yourself:
How can I live my values today?
How can I be a force for good today?
How can I be a good ancestor today?
Because you are called to be a changemaker, you choose to live at the edge of your comfort zone. Your personal values and standards require that you do so, in order for you to feel in integrity with yourself.
So even though it makes you uncomfortable…
…You choose to speak the uncomfortable truths. To make the uncomfortable decisions. And to set the uncomfortable standards for equity.
⚡When someone says something harmful, you tell them.
⚡When your company’s policies are inequitable, you point it out and ask for change.
⚡When your industry’s norms perpetuate Systems of Supremacy, you call it out.
Your commitment to not prioritising comfort (yours or others!) over what needs to be done to create a better world is what makes you the good ancestor you are.
At the same time, it’s no surprise that you also get a lot of pushback 😰.
To the people who haven’t expanded their capacity for how much discomfort they can hold, it’s no surprise that you make them so uncomfortable.
You set a high standard for change.
You want to change how your company works. To change years’ long institutional policies and procedures. To change your industry and the systemic barriers to equity and well-being.
This is exactly what we need.
But the truth is, for many people, it’s the exact opposite of what they want.
Because they know that creating this level of change will require them to also become comfortable being uncomfortable. Not just once or twice (which is what performative action looks like). But always.
And so instead of digging in and doing the inner work of change, they project their frustration at you. They see you holding up the mirror of what they don’t want to look at but desperately need to see. They can’t see themselves and what they need to heal and change. All they see is you and how you are making them feel bad.
It’s not easy to be that mirror.
Nobody wants to be the punching bag of other people’s misplaced anger.
It’s exhausting to carry all the work by yourself, because your colleagues, peers, and managers are too comfortable (or too privileged) to do the work with you.
And it's isolating to feel like your high standards for equity and change create emotional distance between you and other people.
Having to tip-toe around other people’s comfortability with systemic change takes up vital energy that you could be pouring into creating solutions to our most pressing problems.
Navigating other people’s discomfort with change comes with the job. But still, it’s tiring.
And if like me you’ve also struggled with perfectionism, imposter syndrome, trauma, or hypersensitivity, it can make you wonder if you’re even doing the right thing by holding up that mirror and making people feel so uncomfortable.
So how do we get around feeling this way? I have a saying that I use to help me navigate this dynamic.
I call it Expect the Expected.
It’s based on what I know is actually true about human behaviour versus what I wish was true.
Here’s what I wish was true:
I identify an inequity or injustice that I feel passionately about.
I use my voice to speak about it and highlight how systemic oppression and privilege create these conditions.
The people who benefit from these systems and privileges hear me, and immediately see and understand what I mean.
They agree with me and decide to change their behaviour and join the movement for systemic change.
Nobody feels uncomfortable, angry, or attacked. We easily build a better world together, yay!
After years of speaking, writing, and teaching about antiracism and social change, here’s what I know to be true:
I identify an inequity or injustice that I feel passionately about.
I use my voice to speak about it and highlight how systemic oppression and privilege create these conditions.
The people who benefit from these systems and privileges hear me, and feel uncomfortable, angry, or attacked.
They have strong reactions like angrily disagreeing, shouting, tone policing, crying, passive aggression, undermining my efforts, you name it.
I in turn feel confused, angry, exhausted, misunderstood, and frustrated. And, my own ‘stuff’ shows up too. I angrily wish they would just get it. The more this happens, the more I feel myself heading towards burnout.
So what does ‘expect the expected’ look like in practice?
When I expect the expected, I account for the fact that when I use my voice to speak for social change and justice, it is going to make people project their frustration at me. Because they are human. And what I’m saying makes them feel uncomfortable. I’m not just asking them to change their behaviour. I am asking them to fundamentally change their worldview.
I should expect them to react exactly how they are reacting.
I also need to account for the fact that I am going to feel uncomfortable and upset too. Because I am also human. And I don’t like people thinking or saying bad things about me. Or getting in the way of the important change work we all need to be doing.
I should expect myself to react exactly how I will react too.
Expecting the expected allows me to account for what will probably happen, instead of being surprised by it.
Because I expect the expected to happen, I also make sure that I am prioritising my self-care and have community support in place. So that when pushback inevitably happens, and I inevitably feel the uncomfortable feelings that will arise, I have a soft space to land where I know I am safe and I am doing the right thing.
Expecting the expected helps me feel more comfortable being the person who makes other people feel uncomfortable.
And here’s what I really want you to know: I LOVE that you make people uncomfortable.
I don’t ever want you to compromise your values or lower your standards.
As a social impact changemaker, your values and standards are like a North Star for everyone else around you.
⭐They keep our eyes focused in the right direction, on the right goals.
⭐They make sure we don’t get distracted by performative allyship or shallow action.
⭐And they literally give us a standard to check our progress against.
Your standards and values are one of society’s most valuable assets.
Every changemaker and movement leader who has ever created meaningful cultural shifts has done exactly what you are doing right now. And I bet you anything that it was just as uncomfortable for them as I know it is for you (and me!).
By expecting the expected, we can at least soften the blow of how hard this work often feels. This is how we can practise sustainable change-making.
You are nobody’s saviour or martyr.
When you ‘expect the expected’ you can find a way to say what you need to say, and take care of yourself too.
To deep values + high standards,
Layla
