How my healing and change-making journey was transformed

I’m a private person who happens to be a public figure. An introvert with an outspoken voice. A homebody with an international readership. And a hermit who loves teaching workshops and speaking on stages.

I am not just one thing, and neither are you. 

Over the years I’ve come to not only accept the contradictory layers of myself, but actually see them as beautiful gifts. I’ve spent so much of my life believing I was not enough.

Not confident enough. Not perfect enough. Not strong enough. Not ‘you name it’ enough.

I know I am not alone in this.

We haven’t been born into cultures that affirm our full humanity. We’ve been born into cultures of oppression and domination that thrive when we are in internal conflict with ourselves. 

A few years ago, I discovered one of the biggest internal conflicts I was struggling with - internalized racism .

In the framework of the Four Levels of Racism by Race Forward, internalized racism is defined as racism that lies within individuals. These are private beliefs and biases about race that reside inside our own minds and bodies.

In other words, I discovered I had deep, subconscious beliefs that being Black made me lesser than. Made me broken or wrong in some way. Made me fundamentally flawed at my core.

I had swallowed the lie. I didn't’ even know. And it hadn’t even been my choice. It was cultural conditioning.

I discovered that one of the biggest agents of white supremacy against me was…me. I had internalized white supremacy’s myths about my racial inferiority, and had lived with it for nearly all my life.

This was one of the hardest moments of my life. I was devastated to understand the depths to which white supremacy infiltrates our psyches. But it was also the day my deeper healing began. I came face to face with the shadow that had been there all along. The voice that had been whispering “not enough, not enough, not enough”.

Since then I have been on a journey to heal this internalized racism and integrate the parts of myself that I had been judging as wrong or mistaken. 

This is my revolutionary healing work - reclaiming the truth of myself. 

My full, whole, humanity. And sharing it with the world.

Audre Lorde wrote, “Nothing I accept about myself can be used against me to diminish me”. Each day I work on remembering, reclaiming and reintegrating the parts of myself that I had been taught to reject.

Out loud. Unapologetically.

Because once I accept who I am, then who I am not cannot be weaponized against me to make me ever believe again that I am not worthy.

Once you accept who you are, then who you are cannot be weaponized against you to make you ever believe that you are not worthy.

And this is why, even though I’m a private person, and an introvert, and a homebody, and a hermit, I choose to share about my journey publicly. Because when we share our stories, we help other people who are on their healing journeys too.

We remind each other that we are not alone.

Today I’m sharing a bit more about my changemaker journey in a podcast episode with my friend and our Book Club Facilitator, Reema Zaman. This conversation was such a joy for me. It’s been a while since I’ve had the opportunity to share about my journey in this way, so I hope you’ll give it a listen :)

To our healing + liberation,

Layla 

P.S. Our Raising Antiracist Kids workshop is available!  Click here to get access.